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Today was supposed to be a good day. It started out the same as every other day - with a small altercation between me and my mom - but that was normal. It became a great day because of my friends & our so-called Songfest practice. I'd might even venture to say that today was the most fun I've had in a while. But then, here were are, back to where we started. Yes, back to the never-ending cycle of crap that seems to be the story of my life.
Family is supposed to be our system of support. The ones that never desert us, even through the toughest challenges in our life. You taught me that family never leaves family & that, when everything else seems dark & uncertain, family is going to be the rock that keeps you stable.
Filthy liar.
Tell me now, why is my family the very reason I feel so utterly wretched right now. If family is the supposed to be my reason for living & my eternal comfort system, why does this very same family makes me want to disown myself. Why does my mom, in particular, seem to get off on getting mad at me? Why do I feel as if I'm not part of this family anymore & they'd be happy, nigh rejoiceful, if I disappeared.
Thank you, my beloved Alvarez family. With relatives like you, who needs enemies?
Ask me that question right now & I shall remark on your god-awful insipidity. Of course it is not picturesque. If anything, it is a sight that makes me want to throw up all the food in my stomach. To go to class everyday & see that blatant display is nothing short of tortuous ... & nauseating.
But I'm getting better. This picture, though unwelcome, is a soothing balm on my nerves. It is both distressing & comforting. Like medicine that will initially make you worse before you become so much better, if you will. The expectation of seeing this right in front of my face everyday is enough to make me want to blow off school altogether, but actually attending & seeing it is becoming more bearable each time.
The mere fact that I don't end up incessantly spouting cuss words is a marked improvement indeed.
A couple more sessions of this little torture scene & I shall, hopefully, be cured. I wait for that day with bated breath for it means that I am finally out of the shadow of the huge mistake that has painted most of my recent months in abysmally sad colours. Now, I finally see the wiseness of the advice I did not want to take 'til it was too late. Facing my demons, she said, would make me invulnerable to them. Apparently, this is true & for that, I am most thankful.
