For 2009, remember.

Sometimes it rains, sometimes it is sunny.

There are moments you want to be alone; at others you do not.
There are days you feel more like McDonald’s than foie gras.
Sometimes we want to walk, other times ride a bike.
Sometimes you would like to go out with the right person,
other times you must go out with the wrong one.
There are certain days we are dying to have some cachaça,
other days, too. Sometimes we wake up feeling like listening to Dalida,
and we fall asleep to Arvo Part. Other times it is the other way around.
There are days we want to be just in our trunks.
Others, not even in our trunks.
One day we think São Paulo is very ugly. Other days, too.
Some times we want to go around singing,
other times we realize how ridiculous it is.
Once we love, another time we do not.
Now, if you are walking, with the right person, on a sunny day,
listening to Chris Montez… all of these together, mixed this way…
this might be happiness. Yet, if you prefer to ride your bike in the rain,
with the wrong person, listening to Arvo Part in São Paulo,
that also might be happiness.
In life, each of us mixes these ingredients as we please.
That’s where the fun lies.

- Isay Weinfield

I feel like being unapologetic. Why? Because I do know, better than anyone else, what will make me happy. Sure, you`re right. I will get hurt & I will stumble. I`ll fail, I`ll cry & I`ll damn the whole world for bringing its weight crashing on me. But guess what? After that, I`ll stand up, brush the dirt away from my skinny black Sevens, straighten my bright red blazer & wink at you like a true champion.

Because I can`t learn to walk without having experienced a fall.
& that fall will strengthen me.

I wish I would disappear.

I had something to post, but now, all I have is a question.
I love you like a sister.
Now, why do I feel like I`ve just been betrayed?

This is what I want, Santa.

Image from Le Love.

Let's run away..name a place,
Where the air tastes like rain &
the sun shines like Sunday morning.
You bring your laugh & I'll bring my sense of humor.
& we can waste the days,
One week after another.

This is a call for help .

& it`s not the help that you think it is .
I`m not lying to you anymore .
Because lately , I`ve been sick.
I`ve been tired . I`ve been half-dead with sadness .
Of course you wouldn`t notice .
Did you care enough to glance ?
But , yes , even if you did , I guess I`ve
become practiced in putting up a facade .

I`ve been wanting to tell you the truth ,
but having no one worrying over me was far too tempting .
I`ve let this confession stay at the bowels of my heart too long .

I want to die .
This isn`t the silly dramatic proclamation of an insane person .
I want to die . Plain & simple .
God knows , I`ve tried so many times to end it .
Pills , but all they did was give me pain .
Cutting , but it would hurt the people who saw me .
Not breathing , but you don`t know how hard it is .
I`d take a gun & shoot myself , if it were possible .

Why ? Because I`m so tired .
I`m so weak ; I want to give up .
I want something real . Something to live for .
But there is none . I cannot see it .

Sometimes , a ray of light would peek through
& I would be happy . But ... it`s becoming rare lately .
It`ll disappear soon .

But this is not a mistake.

I just woke up. It`s pretty early today & it`s actually cold. A miracle here in tropical Philippines. But, the sunrise from my window is even more of a miracle. It`s still dark, but you can see the edges are slightly glowing. It`s like...a beautiful ombré fabric of the darkest midnight blue & royal blue. Exquisite. I am not really a religious person, but seeing something as amazing as this... There must be a God.

In the few minutes that I organized my thoughts & typed them down, the sky has lightened. I finally take out my camera & take a photo of it. It is a pretty photograph, but the real thing is so much better. I don`t know how to capture it. Actually, I don`t even think I could. But still, I want to remember this moment.

I am not a good person. Lying is a constant part of my life, cheating helps me pass those quizzes that I normally will fail miserably, I`ve subjected my body to smoke, alcohol & sinful things...but I am still alive. Someone up there has forgiven me enough to grant me one more day, one more beautiful sunrise, one more breath, one more blink, one more word typed on the computer...& I am so grateful. This entry is about my realization that even though I am imperfect in every way possible & I feel like I want to die at times, I have something to live for. I have my friends who support me even though I sometimes don`t value them as much as they deserve, I have my family who still cares for me, even after all my fights with them, I`ve met an amazing boy who makes me feel like I am magnificent & I have one more day to make everything better.

& this day is a particularly beautiful day.
"Happy sixteenth.", I whisper to myself.

They say smoking kills.

I smoke because I want to die.
Image from Le Smoking.

What would I not give for that?

Love of a Lifetime
US Vogue, December 2008

But for now, I guess I`m ready to be the girl that I used to be.
The one who said the first thing that came to mind & probably talked too much about herself. The one who never cried, never waited, but always walked slow. The one who was calm & never got mad about the dumb things. The one who smiled like she never cried & wore her feelings on her sleeve. The innocent one with all the rose-coloured ideas about life, lacking the cynicism of a jaded lover.
But most of all, the one who couldn`t care less about being in love.