I`ll be spending my last 30 minutes crying.

It`s my birthday & I`m trying to be happy, but I can`t. I still feel the same I feel everyday: despondent, meaningless and destitute. The only thing I want today is to be happy &, failing that, to simply not be sad. It`s much harder than you think.

I don`t want to go to school tomorrow because I will inevitably cry if I do. I just want to be alone. I don`t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I`m not even going to protest against gifts because I know I won`t be getting any. I don`t want to have to answer a quiz I don`t give a fuck about, nor talk to people I`d rather be strangling to death. As it stands, I don`t think I even have the energy to smile tomorrow.

Hmm ... I am the first person I know to dread her very own birthday. Hilarious. Or, actually, it would be funny if it weren`t so pathetic.

On the last day of my life as a 16 year old.

"I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I ignored all the signs. I forgot that I deserve better. I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.

I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.

You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on.

I'm falling out of love."
from Le Love

Maybe I`m too young to keep good love from growing wrong.

She raised her hand to knock on the hard oak door, but hesitated upon hearing the unmistakable melody of piano music. She listened, spellbound, as he wove the notes into a beautiful tapestry of sound. It was the voice of pearls falling into the ocean water, wind caressing the falling maple leaves, flame dancing from the tip of a candlestick, cherry blossoms frolicking around a small child and lovers dancing their inimitable tango, all the the same time. The blending of the notes, a product of his careless genius, resonated within her.

Her hand reached up and rested above her heart, feeling its discordant beating. Everything she ever wanted was inside that room: the boy, the sweet voice, the innate talent and everything else that words could not, would not describe. The small window on the door afforded her an unobstructed view of the magnificent pianist in his element. It was breathtaking.

As the harmony slowly drew to as close, she pulled on the door, hoping to open it soundlessly. The resulting creak made her flinch & he stood up abruptly, the piano bench almost falling and his head whipping around quickly to look for the source of the disturbance.

Slowly, she made her way to his side and reached out. Upon feeling his hands on her shoulders, holding her away at a safe distance, she smiled ruefully.

"It hurts when you push me away, you know."

With a resigned sigh, he sat back down on the chair and she arranged herself carefully on his lap, facing the other way. Her arms encircled his head, playing with his hair. He leaned closer to her, feeling her warmth. It was an idyllic moment, too perfect to last.

Remembering a half-forgotten memory of an illicit tryst, she moved her hands inside his shirt, tracing lazy circles. She was rewarded with a quick laugh and a slight shiver. "So you`re still ticklish there?", she laughed at him. He smirked and she didn`t have to see him to know that he did.

His fingers, which had been tapping out an experimental rhythm on the piano earlier, slowly slid inside her shirt, caressing her back to return the favor. As he languorously played around, seeking, she returned her hands to his hair.

A small cry of disbelief rose from her lips as he hit the exact spot that made her boneless with laughter. Between giggles, she wiggled, trying to get away. He laughed against her shoulder and she could feel the deep vibrations it caused. Then, mercifully, he ceased his minstrations, instead, opting to trace random letters on her skin.

The warmth of her skin seared his fingers.
The cool feeling of his hand on her back made her shiver.

Suddenly, he stopped and pushed her off. With an ungraceful snort, she quickly caught herself before she fell to the ground. She knew exactly why he had pushed her away, despite not wanting to embrace this reason.

With as much dignity as she could muster, she gathered the torn scraps of her pride and stood up. Her eyes looked up at his and flinched away from their indifferent depths. Then, without a word, she swept away, closing the door behind her.

One lone tear threatened to escape but she masterfully blinked it back. She knew right then and there, as she leaned back on the unyielding door, that that one golden afternoon was the last. With a lethargic smile, she stood up straight and cast a last look back inside the now-quiet room. In that fleeting moment, they had captured the calm and beauty of their lost affection ... but it was as it is called.
Lost.

I think I spoke too soon.

Today was supposed to be a good day. It started out the same as every other day - with a small altercation between me and my mom - but that was normal. It became a great day because of my friends & our so-called Songfest practice. I'd might even venture to say that today was the most fun I've had in a while. But then, here were are, back to where we started. Yes, back to the never-ending cycle of crap that seems to be the story of my life.

Family is supposed to be our system of support. The ones that never desert us, even through the toughest challenges in our life. You taught me that family never leaves family & that, when everything else seems dark & uncertain, family is going to be the rock that keeps you stable.

Filthy liar.

Tell me now, why is my family the very reason I feel so utterly wretched right now. If family is the supposed to be my reason for living & my eternal comfort system, why does this very same family makes me want to disown myself. Why does my mom, in particular, seem to get off on getting mad at me? Why do I feel as if I'm not part of this family anymore & they'd be happy, nigh rejoiceful, if I disappeared.

Thank you, my beloved Alvarez family. With relatives like you, who needs enemies?

Isn`t the view so picturesque?

Ask me that question right now & I shall remark on your god-awful insipidity. Of course it is not picturesque. If anything, it is a sight that makes me want to throw up all the food in my stomach. To go to class everyday & see that blatant display is nothing short of tortuous ... & nauseating.

But I'm getting better. This picture, though unwelcome, is a soothing balm on my nerves. It is both distressing & comforting. Like medicine that will initially make you worse before you become so much better, if you will. The expectation of seeing this right in front of my face everyday is enough to make me want to blow off school altogether, but actually attending & seeing it is becoming more bearable each time.

The mere fact that I don't end up incessantly spouting cuss words is a marked improvement indeed.

A couple more sessions of this little torture scene & I shall, hopefully, be cured. I wait for that day with bated breath for it means that I am finally out of the shadow of the huge mistake that has painted most of my recent months in abysmally sad colours. Now, I finally see the wiseness of the advice I did not want to take 'til it was too late. Facing my demons, she said, would make me invulnerable to them. Apparently, this is true & for that, I am most thankful.

Letting out my emotions is an exercise in futility.

I`m ashamed to say this, but for the first time in ages, a cutter came near my skin again. That`s pretty much a euphemism for "I slashed one long line down my wrist" but I`ll tell you anyway. It`s alright, no one really reads this. Well, the metal was cold, but I forgot how painful it really was. After the slash was made, it did not hurt much, but now it`s throbbing. Even so, I don`t regret cutting. It distracts me from what really hurts.

Now, I reminded myself all over again. Shit. Okay, so maybe I lied. Maybe I never really forgot. Maybe the emotional pain right now is suffocating me, driving me to the now-unfamiliar throes of crying-induced asthma that I haven`t felt since I was 7. Maybe cutting hasn`t really distracted me anymore than writing this has. Maybe I never really forgot the emotional pain...and, oh, fuck, I am so angry. This feeling`s strange...like I`m a taut violin string and the lightest pressure will make me snap.

I have no gift for words & this is probably the crudest thing I have ever written, but the feelings running amok in me are primal and crude too. Raw. Animalistic. Like I just want to go inside my tormentor`s room and rip her eyeballs out with my long, light blue fingernails. Fist her hair and smash her head against the headboard of that too-big bed. It`s sick that I get so much pleasure from daydreaming about this right now & if I wasn`t in such a horrendous mood, I would probably be disgusted...but not now. Now, I just want her to be tortured, maybe like the poor Japanese girl who underwent 44 days of torture. That would be hell on earth, but that still would not be enough.

My eyes are itchy now that I`ve cried my tear ducts dry. I can`t even breathe through my nose because it`s clogged. My lips are dry. It even hurts when I lick them. Ohmygod, the table where my computer sits has so many memories from before this pain. Why can`t I imagine a time when everything was better? All I can see right now is this red-hot poker stirring my insides.

Beside my left hand is the list of things we ordered from Yellowcab a mere 3 hours ago. Hard to believe that 3 hours ago, I was laughing. How did this all happen so fast? Beside the mouse is the glass of water I remember filling at the dinner table downstairs. Oh yes, we were all cracking jokes then. Amazing how our family dynamic could change in so little time.

What scares me most is I don`t know how this happened. It wasn`t supposed to be like this...& now that I think about it, I am the person I hate most right now. I hate myself more than my torturer, because, in the end, this is all my doing. Yes, that`s probably why I cut myself. Damn it, I wish that when I climbed over that silly gate, I fell on the ground, broke my spine & died. Would that be a bad thing to wish? Maybe then, I wouldn`t be feeling so dead inside.

Wow, this is long. I just read everything I wrote & it all just comes of as the whiny rant of a suicidal bitch. Yup, no talent for writing here. Just letting it all out.

Remember New Moon? The book by Stephenie Meyer where Bella spends most of her time crying about some painful hole in her chest? I used to laugh at that book, think about how silly & exaggerated it was...but not anymore. In a way, that is exactly how I feel right now. Broken in so many pieces that I have to hug myself in order to make sure I`m in one piece. Am I? I don`t know...

I used to relate this kind of physical pain to boys. Yes, it`s a dull ache in my chest, the feeling I always associate to the word "heartbreaking". I thought this kind of pain was for relationships...like, when someone cheats on you or the boy you loved most gives up on you. But no, I was wrong. My heart is breaking because of my mistakes right now & the consequences I have to face. It`s probably not all my fault & my torturers are overreacting, in my point of view...but, whatever happens, I`m going to carry the total weight of this on my shoulders. This is no laughing matter; the consequences are dire. I may have single-handedly ruined what was left of my pitiful relationship with my mom. My parents` trust is now irrevocably lost, not that it was ever with me in the first place.

What will I do now? How will I move from here? It`s 12.24 AM, but I`m selfishly wishing that someone can drive all the way here, wipe my tears away and hug me tight. Not letting go as I sob the whole damn story on his or her shoulder. And I would give the world for that person to be my mother, so that I can tell her how much I love her & how sorry I am for being the black sheep of the family. But that will never happen because our huge pride is a family trait. If only she can read this, but, as computer-illiterate as she is, that is impossible.

Oh, God...I am so scared. I just want to die. You probably did not understand the whole idea of this blog entry, but it`s okay. My advice to you is to just forget all about what you read & smile, because your life is so much better than the pitiful remnants of mine.

This has been too long, I feel like I should stop. Hundreds of words, ranting on & on, have been written. This was an exercise to make me feel better...but do I? Even marginally? I don`t know. I can`t think straight. Maybe I will do better tomorrow, when everything is a bit clearer. Or maybe I`ll do better after a bottle of wine & a pack of Reds, when everything is blurrier. I suppose I shall try both tomorrow. For now, I better find some Band-Aids to cover the gash on my inner arm. I may be falling apart, but that`s not reason enough to make anyone else worry.

Well, goodnight. I hope you had a better day than mine...though I don`t see how anyone could have it worse. Sleep well.

Will you know my name if I saw you in heaven?

Good morning, Lola. It`s your apo here, Vida. It`s been so long since I last saw you & spoke to you & I`m sorry for disturbing you right now...but there`s something I have to tell you.

Remember the last time we talked, lola? I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the kitchen & I heard a noise coming from your room. When I went there, you were pointing at something on the ceiling. You look so scared, lola. I didn`t know what to do so I tried to comfort you by holding your hand. "It`s nothing. No one`s there.", I reassured you. But what did I know?

That was the last time I ever saw you alive. That was the last time I ever got to hold your hand. I didn`t even manage to hug you; I didn`t even try my best to make you feel better. In my mind, all I wanted to do was leave. I didn`t even tell you that I love you.

I`m so sorry, lola. Really. Everytime I saw you, I would tell you that I love you...but that last day, I didn`t. & it`s killing me that the last image I remember of you was a frightened old lady, lying in bed alone. You should`ve been happy & I should`ve done more, lola. I should`ve visited you more & told you more. We should`ve had more happy times together. There was so much we haven`t done yet... I didn`t want you to leave.

& since you left, I`ve been plagued with guilt. You`re one of the best people I know & you did not deserve to be put aside, forgotten. Since I was born, you`ve supported me in every way possible. I have no bad memory of you, lola. Even when I was at my loneliest & most depressed, you were there for me. Remember when I cried `cause no one wanted to sit with me at the plane & you gave up your comfy First Class seat to be with me in Business? That made my whole vacation. I swear, I don`t deserve the level of kindness & love that I recieved from you, my own grandmother. I wasn`t able to repay you at all...and I am so, so, so sorry.

But it`s done & you`re gone... No amount of tears & prayers will turn back time or bring you back, no matter how much I want them to... I just hope that from heaven (`cause I`m sure that you`re there), you can see this hastily written letter & you`ll forgive me. I love you always & forever, & I promise that I`ll never forget you.

Love,
Vida

I hoped I would never have to say this.

You would have to give up all else,
I alone would expect to be your sole & exclusive standard,
Your novitiate would even then be long & exhausting,
The whole past theory of your life & all conformity to
the lives around you would have to be abandon`d.
Therefore, release me now, before troubling yourself any further,
let go your hand from my shoulders.
Put me down & depart on your own way.

- Walt Whitman

It saddens me to say this, but when you leave, it will be the end. After you leave, I will go my own way too & we will be estranged for months. We will get used to being without each other, the same way you got used to not thinking of me all those months ago. This is goodbye & this might be the final word we say. This chapter has drawn to a close in my book & that brings real tears to my eyes. To say that I did not love you would be wrong, but to say that I do love you now, the same way I did before, would be an imposition & a lie. At this moment, I can only force myself to see you as a brother -- the one I never had & the one I always wanted.

In the end, this is all I can say.
Take care. I hope you have a good life.

While you were all sleeping soundly,

I did not know what to do.

Photo from V Magazine. Shot by Mario Soretti.

I couldn`t sleep. Last night, I closed my eyes as long as I could, wishing for the peace of slumber, but I would soon open them -- wide-awake & pathetic. For 30 minutes, my eyes were closed, but all my mind was nothing but alert. It wasn`t insomnia anymore; it was something deeper.

As I sat up, I thought, "I didn`t know that you could make me feel like this." After a few moments, I struggled to make my way to the bathroom sink. Like a fish out of water, I was gasping for air. My eyes caught my reflection in the mirror. "What a pitiful girl", I though, & suddenly, my vision was blurred by traitorous tears. That girl was me.

I brace my arms on the edges of the sink as my stomach tries to purge itself once more. Nothing comes out because there`s nothing left. This scene already happened 30 minutes ago. Once more, I gagged &, once more, I cried. How could this be happening to me?

I let myself go. If you entered my bathroom at that very second, you would have seen a small girl, miserably slumped on the floor.

The tiles were cold against my heated face & the shower was on -- but all I felt was the fiery trail of my tears. Even the fabric of my clothes felt ridiculously strange, wet on skin. With the last bit of strength I had left in my tired limbs, I managed to pull myself into a sitting position, burying my head in my knees & crying it all out. Too many tears were shed on such a small thing, but I couldn`t stop myself anymore.

So here I sit now, in fresh clothes, sitting in front of the computer with dark circles under my eyes. Not a wink of sleep has been granted to me & I feel strangely like a zombie. My movements are slow & sluggish, as if I were dancing underwater & I am not the only one who has noticed. A constant throb is in my head now...& I still feel that constant urge to cry.

Would someone come & make me feel better?

You say it like it`s a threat.

Summer couldn`t be coming at a better time. I want it all to be gone: the silly cliques, the stressful schoolwork, the two-faced friends. It`s sickening to think that I`d be happier without any people around, but my thoughts run on only one track. With summer around, no one can make me feel out of place anymore.

I`m tired of having people around, needing to please them in some way. I`m sick of becoming dependent on people who don`t care. & I`m just about ready to give up on finding someone to stay with so that I wouldn`t look so lonely.

This is not what I want. I need to get away from all of this.
Maybe permanently.

I`ll go to your room, but you have to seduce me.

Juan Antonio: The trick is to enjoy life, accepting it has no meaning whatsoever.
Cristina: No meaning? You don`t think that authentic love gives life meaning?
Juan Antonio: Yes, but love is so transient, isn't it? I was in love with a most incredible woman...& then in the end...
Vicky: Yes?
Juan Antonio: She put a knife into me.
Cristina: My God, that `s terrible !
Vicky: Well, maybe you did something to deserve it.

from the movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)

Are you sure you want the truth?

Okay then, you asked for it. Right now, in life, there are 3 things I`d sure of.

1. I know that it`s you. It`s alright, it worked out fine anyway...but do you know how hard it is to trust people now? I just want to take a break from all this, because I feel like I lost the person I trust most in the world. Believe me, it`s hard.

2. I have feelings for you & I love being with you. You make me so happy & I want to make you happy too. The past few days have been amazing; that`s because you were there to liven it up, to make me enjoy it. I am comfortable with you, I am a better person with you, I never thought I`d find someone who`d try to understand me the way you do. It might be going too fast, but I`m enjoying the ride. Sure, I`m still unsure about things & you still don`t know me as much as I want you too...but it`ll be fine. I am so sorry. You don`t deserve this... This might hurt you & I never wanted to do that.
3. But, oh my God, I hate myself. See, I talked to him a while ago & guess what? I miss him. I can`t wake up for school anymore, knowing that, inevitably, I will see him & it`s either I`ll ignore him or he`ll ignore me. I can`t take that. I want to resolve those issues, but, somehow, I`m scared about the way it will all end...because you were the one I loved & I`m just not sure if I can let go.

So, I guess this is the part where I add #4.

Hello there, undecided. Think about it carefully. Take a deep breath, you bitch, & clear your mind. Love, that fickle thing, is calling out -- but you don`t have to listen. Vida, close your eyes &, for the first time in years, use your brain. Anything you say & do will hurt someone -- but will you hurt yourself?

Goodnight.
Please, let me fly, far away from here.

This heart has seen better days.